We Can Trust Him

Faith, Poetry

I’ve come to loathe negative “I am” statements…

I am where I am

I’ve been where I’ve been

No amount of striving is going to rewrite my history or quick fix my flaws

My mind has succumbed too many times to the visible and invisible taunts of worthlessness

Inflicted by self, by careless words in well meaning mouths or downright spat out with spite by people also lost inside their own mental health plights

Mine is a life potholed by moments of rejection which have so often threatened to incapacitate my person

But greater than any rejection is my confidence that I am accepted, by God no less, and who would argue with him?!

The devil is who and he’ll make you believe that God hates you, but there is absolutely no foundation or slither of truth there

So I’ve started asking a different question, not who do I say I am

But I ask who does God say I am and I choose to believe it, regardless of feelings

The power in truth is no hippy notion of filling our lives with physical satisfactions which are only fleeting distractions

I have found the power in truth, is that, spoken out loud and chosen inside it begins to uproot the lies that degrade our lives and in its place grows a tree of life

Irrevocable value takes root

It forms a system in my heart that holds together the banks that previously threatened to fall apart

Each root a whisper from heaven writing a love song in the depths of my soul

You are forgiven, you are loved, you are accepted, you are protected, you are redeemed, you are worthy of love, you were seen before you were conceived, you were held in the womb, you are treasured, you have a purpose and that purpose is to be known and loved and to know and love your Creator, you have a God given right to be alive just as you are right now

Because His love isn’t forceful but it is a force, His grace takes you on a journey to freedom without guilt

He celebrates you in the light of Jesus

He, the Holy Spirit, is the greatest of counsellors leading us alongside gentle waters and green pastures, even when storms are raging overhead he’ll help us find rest amidst the maelstrom and give us power to command its stillness

God knows we’re not perfect and doesn’t expect it, but he also knows that being in his presence will help us navigate the mines in our mind fields

Fear cannot exist where perfect love is

So I choose to see myself through the lense of his love

I am not lost, I’m found and this pavement of peace that I walk on is hedged in by grace

No one is lost in the light of his love, we can trust him

Sing Out My Soul

Faith, Poetry

God you pursued me with your love

When my life depended on it, you took on my pain

Jesus, I was weak at your feet

My heart couldn’t contain it so I laid it at your feet

If it weren’t for your mercy, it would have completely overwhelmed me

But your heart was for me and I felt your arms around me

So I declared your kingdom has come

Jesus you took on death for the joy set before you

Thank you!

My heart was dead but you saved me

I’m your inheritance

I will pursue you because you love me

Because you know all of me and still you died for me

Jesus I want to know you like you know me

I lay my life down for the joy set before me

To walk beside my King, my friend

So take courage my soul in your unwavering God

From the deepest of depths, His love resurrects

When the night’s at its darkest, sing out my soul

Jesus has conquered death

Jesus has opened the door

Separated no longer

I am yours and you are mine

I revel in the wonder of walking with my Creator

Fear vs Hope

Poetry

You know when you realise you’ve wasted half your life on misguided fear

Like a drunken misadventure and you’ve become aware far too late, that this person you’re cosying up to in the corner, you wouldn’t have touched with a barge pole if sober

Had you seen with clear eyes that this affair with fear was only going to leave you out in the cold, identity clouded and searching for your soul

Too many times I let your interest define me, your disinterest define me

Wasn’t taught to value me, was only mocked and disciplined for who others moulded me to be

You bartered for my sexuality like I was yours to buy, only children caught in an adults game

But it’s not charades, it’s not pretending when you touched me like you owned me and sent fear into the very heart of me

And I learnt that attention from boys, attention from men equalled desirability

So I laughed off education, surrendered to depression and defined my life by sexual admiration

All the while fear crept in, it kept me caged, it kept me in and I never explored or had adventures with people or stories that fed my soul

Fed it with hope, fed it with joy, fed it with possibility

And even though I know there is freedom from fear, still I struggle daily

Don’t want to let those ugly moments define and chain me

Want to be able to see a clean page free from insecurity

So every day in some small way I stand defiant of all that fear

Fear that I’ve wasted it all and it’s way too late to live my life with eyes that see and a heart that hopes

I look in the mirror and see who God sees, a miracle, a life, purpose in living

I will not be defined by the ghosts of the past, I’ll be defined and changed by truth and love

Arms Around You

Faith, Poetry

I’ve seen life depart

I’ve mopped up my own blood from my womb that contained lives that barely flickered and then were gone

I’ve seen days so darkened with depression I’ve nearly lost the will to live

Your pain may be so much worse

Your struggle so intense you don’t know how you continue to hold on

Your eyes may have seen horrors no eyes should see

But I know a man whose sincere friendship has kept my heart secure

Turn your eyes and heart to Jesus and let His peace surround you in your storm

Breathe deep, don’t rush

The lover of your soul sits by you

Arms around you

He’ll never depart from you

There is no road too rocky

No hole too dirty

He is not ashamed to sit beside you

His love will save you

Try Again

Poetry

Back again
To watch and wait
The blurry screen that dictates
My fear that I have hoped in vain

Hope isn’t a road to victory
But it sustains the heart in battle
To give it up is to succumb to panic

As I wait I hope
Perhaps this is not all in vain
Might there still be a beating life
Fighting to stay
Desperate for a safe place
But I cannot guarantee the safety of that place
This vessel that works and breaks without reason or warning
I can only hope that this time it ticks without stopping…

Tick tock
The clock has stopped
Blurry screens free of that rhythmic beat
Time now means a different thing
Waiting to pass away what couldn’t stay
This path a bit more worn as we tread it once again

Similar and different to so many stories
Common ground with varying degrees of acceptance and agony
Where hearts mend and break

Sleep now, rest your soul
Tomorrow the sun will rise and you’ll still be alive
To hope and dream and try again

Riding the Storm

Poetry

Just like every situation where you feel the brokenness of the grave

Like the moon pushes the tides in and out, you cry and laugh in equal amounts and the world looks on and thinks you’ve lost your mind 

But how else do you cope with the blows of nature’s hammer, but to ride out into the storm and feel the battering and breathe in when calm comes and then to let your face be whipped by the falling rain and still come out in the peace again

Your Love Still Sings In Me

Poetry

Life is different now 

It’s quiet and noisy in ways that it wasn’t before

Windows frame stories differently too

Not quite the same comings and goings

Doors shut in strange ways

The kettle boils less

The steady shouts for cups of tea only echo through the kitchen 

I wonder if I drink it more now out of sentimentality  

Still, joy streams through the home

Every so often, sadness wafts in

It’s just part of our life now 

So much the same, but so different without the familiarity of you intermingled

Missed always but in a way always here

In the laughs 

In the fights

In the dreaming

In the hoping

You still stay with me and I know my heart lives because you did

None of this would be without you and in that I know, death is not victorious 

The thief has not stolen everything 

The sting is tempered by how your love still sings in me

Days With You

Poetry

My days with you are like watching a meadow of flowers bloom
Each little flower bursts up like a new word bursting from your sweet little mouth
But of course flowers don’t burst, it just appears that way sometimes, as if they’ve just appeared out of nowhere
But really I’ve been watching closely, the gentle unfurling of stalk and leaves and petals…

Like your curiosity, the way you play with sounds until it pops out all formed and I can only gaze at you
The miracle that, each day, leaves me breathless

In speechless awe, I watch as bit by bit you reveal yourself to me, as if heaven drips down on you and I can see all that is divine

In the way your giggles slip from your throat or the way your eyes search mine or the way your little arms reach up and around my neck and you rest your head upon my shoulder and I’ve never known such trust